ショックが治ったのだと油断してゆっくりしていたら、物凄く落ちてナイーブになり、胸の中に物凄い怒りが入っていたことに唖然としました。
じゃあ普段そのようなものが気付かず胸の中にあるのか？と言うと、実はそうでは無いみたいです。
恐らく、強いショックを受け、その影響が出ている間、怒り、ハイテンション過ぎる明るさ、悲しみ、胸の痛み等、普段感じる部分が、✖️ 50倍位になって表出してしまい、自分ではあれ？ あれれ？と思いながらも止められなくなっていました。
ギリセーフなのは、それが誰も知らない部屋の中で出してしまっていた点です。
今朝になって、うわ、全然治っていなかったと、鎮静剤（私はバファリン）を飲み、１日休みでしたので午後中横になっていました。
その後シャワーを浴び、いつも以上に静かに、私の範疇でしかない作業や部屋の中だけでする単純作業に徹しようと決めました。
音楽もあまり聞かない方が良かったみたいで。
よりによって昨晩は、松田聖子さんの楽曲を聴いて、何故か凄く胸が詰まり、感激して涙ぐんだりしていました。
こういう時は、感激するものもダメみたいです。
整理すると、
1. 感情を普段以上に中間より少し醒めている状態にする。
2. 笑いすぎたり泣いてしまったり感激し過ぎたり、感動する話、事柄、胸が熱くヒューマニズム溢れる話、事柄には、近寄らない。
3. 辛い話や切ない話、聞いているこっちが暗く落ち込んでしまう話を相手がし出したら、席をイキナリ立ったり、遮って電話を切ったり、して良い。
私見ながら、喜怒哀楽の強い感情、感激モノ、感動モノ、辛い話、切ない話に触れると出てくる感情はすべて動揺です。そういう人は相手を動揺させて変な一体感を味わいたいだけだと思うんです。
そしてソイツだけが気持ちの悪いラッキータイムを味わい、此方はその後、嫌な後味がする動揺を沈めなければならないし、大人になって落涙してしまうなんてと、要らない自省（反省）までせねばなりません。
なのにいい様に自分の大事な時間を、こちらの承諾無しにそんな相手に一方的に消費されたような、嫌な体感だけが残ります。
これ、憶えていませんか？小学校の時、普段から良心0な人から相手にされない女の子や男の子が、皆の注意を集める手口としてやっていた事。
今書いた事はまさにこれなので、心の中で今忙しいの、と吐き捨て、さっとその場や状況から離れましょう。お見舞いの心は大切ですが、その気持ちを何も外見や態度に出して、一緒になって優しい人間の証拠とされている落涙までして、無関係な過去に起こった似た事例の気の毒な話を聞いて、追体験する必要などないと思うんです。それは今回の世界中からお見舞いの気持ちを贈られている地域の方々にも失礼ですよね。
判断に困る様なら、やはり心の中で「聞いた？ 聞いた？ ビッグニュース！」とそいつが話した要点の冒頭に、この言葉をつけてみて下さい。
それで判断がつくと思います。
心置き無く、冷たい態度に徹して普段よりクールな態度でいましょう！
4. 何故か口数が多くなっていないかセルフチェックし、そうなら30分黙って過ごしてみる。気付きにくい大きな畝り（うねり）の動揺が消えます。
5. 穏やかでインテリジェンスがある環境で過ごす。
6. 意図的に綺麗な標準語を使う。
もし良かったら試してみて下さい。
ホワイトノイズというリラックス効果のある音がありますが、フリー音楽アプリで探し尽くした、又はお持ちでないのなら、音楽の音量を少し小さくし、お使いのスマートフォンだけのスピーカーで再生してみて下さい。
アイフォンならアプリ→ミュージック→イコライザ→低音を増やす、すぐ下の項目音量を自動調整をオフにスライドすると、よりホワイトノイズに近くなります。
ノイズがある軽い割れた音がします。
するとそのアイフォンで再生したお好きな音楽が、ホワイトノイズVer.になるという訳です。
耳のストレスでは無いなら、30分位流してみて、あれ？なんだか都会の雑踏やカフェの話し声の様だな、と思われたら、多分成功です。
気分が悪くなったり、気持ちが落ち込んだりしたら、元のスピーカーに戻してみて下さいね。
良い音はそれだけ情報量が多いので、耳と脳と皮膚が処理する情報量も増えます。それで良いんだけど長く聴いていると疲れて来るんですよね。
ホワイトノイズ自動生成法でのヘッドフォン再生は推奨しません。
鼓膜には良く無いと思います。
阿川泰子は昔私の憧れの女性上の一人です。
TVCMで見かけて、なんて素敵な人なのだろう、とこのような上品で雰囲気があり頭が良さそうな女性になれないのだろうか？ とぼんやり見つめていた記憶があります。
余りに憧れが強く、彼女のアルバムジャケットを勝手に頭の中でコピーして、何か学校でポスターを作らなければならない時に、下絵まで書いて前の晩遅くまで著作権の許諾無しの、"NIGHTLINE丸パクどうだって良い学内掲示のポスター"を作って持って行きました。
褒められたけれど、自分としては全然近くなくて、レコード屋さんまでわざわざ行ってもう一度確認したけれど、全然違っていて、色も近い様で遠くてすごく自分に腹が立った事を、つい昨日のように憶えています。
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I let my guard down, thinking the shock had subsided, and took it easy—only to find myself feeling incredibly down and sensitive, and I was stunned to realize there was a tremendous amount of anger building up inside me.
So, does that mean I usually have those feelings inside me without realizing it? Actually, it seems that’s not the case.
Most likely, while I was still reeling from the intense shock, the emotions I normally feel—anger, overly hyper cheerfulness, sadness, and chest pain—were amplified about 50 times and came pouring out. Even as I thought to myself, “Huh? Wait a minute…?” I couldn’t stop it.
The only saving grace was that I let it all out in a room where no one else was around.
This morning, I realized, “Whoa, I haven’t recovered at all,” so I took a pain reliever (Bufferin, in my case) and, since I had the day off, spent the entire afternoon lying down.
After that, I took a shower and decided to stay even quieter than usual, sticking strictly to tasks that fall within my own scope and simple chores I could do right in my room.
It seems it would have been better not to listen to much music, either.
Of all nights, last night I listened to Seiko Matsuda’s songs, and for some reason, my chest felt incredibly tight, and I was so moved that I started tearing up.
At times like this, it seems even things that move me are off-limits.
To summarize:
1. Keep my emotions in a state that’s slightly more detached than usual.
2. Avoid laughing too much, crying, or getting overly emotional; stay away from moving stories or topics, as well as heartwarming, humanistic stories or topics.
3. If someone starts telling a painful or heartbreaking story—one that makes me feel gloomy and depressed just by listening—it’s okay to suddenly get up, interrupt them, or hang up the phone.
So, does that mean I usually have those feelings inside me without realizing it? Actually, it seems that’s not the case.
Most likely, while I was still reeling from the intense shock, the emotions I normally feel—anger, overly hyper cheerfulness, sadness, and chest pain—were amplified about 50 times and came pouring out. Even as I thought to myself, “Huh? Wait a minute…?” I couldn’t stop it.
The only saving grace was that I let it all out in a room where no one else was around.
This morning, I realized, “Whoa, I haven’t recovered at all,” so I took a pain reliever (Bufferin, in my case) and, since I had the day off, spent the entire afternoon lying down.
After that, I took a shower and decided to stay even quieter than usual, sticking strictly to tasks that fall within my own scope and simple chores I could do right in my room.
It seems it would have been better not to listen to much music, either.
Of all nights, last night I listened to Seiko Matsuda’s songs, and for some reason, my chest felt incredibly tight, and I was so moved that I started tearing up.
At times like this, it seems even things that move me are off-limits.
To summarize:
1. Keep my emotions in a state that’s slightly more detached than usual.
2. Avoid laughing too much, crying, or getting overly emotional; stay away from moving stories or topics, as well as heartwarming, humanistic stories or topics.
3. If someone starts telling a painful or heartbreaking story—one that makes me feel gloomy and depressed just by listening—it’s okay to suddenly get up, interrupt them, or hang up the phone.
This is just my personal opinion, but I believe that any emotion that arises when we’re exposed to intense feelings—whether joy, anger, sorrow, or excitement; heartwarming or moving stories; or painful and poignant tales—is essentially a form of emotional turmoil.
I think people like that just want to unsettle others so they can experience a strange sense of connection.
And while that person gets to enjoy their own sick little “lucky moment,” I’m left to deal with the unpleasant aftertaste of that emotional turmoil—and I even have to subject myself to unnecessary self-reflection, thinking, “How could I, as an adult, actually cry?”
Yet all that remains is the unpleasant feeling that my precious time was unilaterally consumed by such a person without my consent.
Does this ring a bell?
Back in elementary school, girls and boys who were usually ignored by others—people with zero conscience—would pull this stunt to get everyone’s attention.
Since what I just described is exactly that, let’s just mutter “I’m busy right now” to ourselves and quickly remove ourselves from that place or situation.
While the spirit of offering sympathy is important, I don’t think there’s any need to let those feelings show in your appearance or attitude—to the point of even shedding tears, which are often seen as proof of being a kind person—or to listen to and relive the pitiful stories of similar incidents from an unrelated past.
That would be disrespectful to the people in the affected regions who are currently receiving messages of sympathy from all over the world, wouldn’t it?
I think people like that just want to unsettle others so they can experience a strange sense of connection.
And while that person gets to enjoy their own sick little “lucky moment,” I’m left to deal with the unpleasant aftertaste of that emotional turmoil—and I even have to subject myself to unnecessary self-reflection, thinking, “How could I, as an adult, actually cry?”
Yet all that remains is the unpleasant feeling that my precious time was unilaterally consumed by such a person without my consent.
Does this ring a bell?
Back in elementary school, girls and boys who were usually ignored by others—people with zero conscience—would pull this stunt to get everyone’s attention.
Since what I just described is exactly that, let’s just mutter “I’m busy right now” to ourselves and quickly remove ourselves from that place or situation.
While the spirit of offering sympathy is important, I don’t think there’s any need to let those feelings show in your appearance or attitude—to the point of even shedding tears, which are often seen as proof of being a kind person—or to listen to and relive the pitiful stories of similar incidents from an unrelated past.
That would be disrespectful to the people in the affected regions who are currently receiving messages of sympathy from all over the world, wouldn’t it?
If you’re having trouble deciding, try adding the phrase “Did you hear? Did you hear? Big news!” in your mind at the beginning of the main point that person mentioned.
I think that will help you make up your mind.
Go ahead and be completely aloof—maintain a cooler attitude than usual!
4. Check to see if you’ve been talking more than usual for some reason, and if so, try spending 30 minutes in silence. This will help dispel the subtle but significant emotional turbulence that’s hard to notice.
5. Spend time in a calm and intellectually stimulating environment.
6. Make a conscious effort to use clear, standard Japanese.
Please give these a try if you’d like.
There’s a type of sound called “white noise” that has a relaxing effect. If you’ve already searched through all the free music apps and can’t find any, or if you don’t have any, try turning down the volume on your music slightly and playing it through just your smartphone’s speaker.
I think that will help you make up your mind.
Go ahead and be completely aloof—maintain a cooler attitude than usual!
4. Check to see if you’ve been talking more than usual for some reason, and if so, try spending 30 minutes in silence. This will help dispel the subtle but significant emotional turbulence that’s hard to notice.
5. Spend time in a calm and intellectually stimulating environment.
6. Make a conscious effort to use clear, standard Japanese.
Please give these a try if you’d like.
There’s a type of sound called “white noise” that has a relaxing effect. If you’ve already searched through all the free music apps and can’t find any, or if you don’t have any, try turning down the volume on your music slightly and playing it through just your smartphone’s speaker.
If you’re using an iPhone, go to Apps → Music → Equalizer → Boost Bass, then slide the “Auto-Adjust Volume” option just below it to off—this will make the sound closer to white noise.
You’ll hear a slight crackling sound with some noise.
This turns your favorite music, played on that iPhone, into a “white noise version.”
If it doesn’t strain your ears, try playing it for about 30 minutes. If you find yourself thinking, “Huh? This sounds kind of like city street noise or people chatting in a café,” then you’ve probably succeeded.
If you start to feel unwell or get depressed, switch back to your regular speakers.
Good sound contains a lot of information, so your ears, brain, and skin have to process more of it. That’s a good thing, but listening for too long can be tiring.
I don’t recommend using headphones with this automatic white noise generation method.
I don’t think it’s good for your eardrums.
Yasuko Agawa was one of the women I looked up to back in the day.
I remember seeing her in a TV commercial and thinking, “What a wonderful person she is. Could I ever become a woman like her—so elegant, with such a great aura, and seemingly so intelligent?” I’d just stare at her blankly.
My admiration was so strong that I unconsciously copied her album cover in my head. When I had to make a poster for school, I even drew a rough sketch and stayed up late the night before to create a pirated “NIGHT LINE” poster—a complete rip-off—for a school bulletin board, without any copyright permission.
I was praised for it, but to me, it didn’t come close at all. I even went to the record store to double-check, but it was completely different—the colors seemed similar yet were actually far off—and I remember getting incredibly angry at myself, as if it were just yesterday.
Translated with DeepL.com (free version)
